Wednesday, April 25, 2012

WTF: A SHORT STORY IS THIS

He’s in bed.

Awake.

Staring at the partially cracked ceiling.

It’s time to wake up and get out. As usual. A normal day, like any given Monday. He does that thing
that guys do when they wake up. Pretends to slip into imaginary blue slippers and walks towards the
bathroom. The room’s a mess.

A typical guy he is.

Unopened cans of sardines lying expired besides half opened cans of cat food. A broom that once was
unused, still stares at him in the foot. Spoons laden with jam-like moss. Cheese crackers being feasted
on by jerrys all around. Tom is nowhere to be seen. Don’t think missing posters were even made for him.

Jake sleepwalks by. The sink leaks, much to no one’s surprise. Jake isn’t going to let it bother his morning
business.

He pretends to pick up a bush.
He pretends to pick up the paste.
He pretends to use them on each other.
And then he looks blankly into the mirror and moves his empty hands around his face.

To the world, it seems absurd. To him, it’s pretty much a daily routine. He stands at the overtly messy
kitchen table. Pretends to make himself some cornflakes.With milk, honey, imaginary red strawberries
and gestures with his hand, like he’s made the perfect morning meal.

The bath, the attached lavatory, the front door. All are accustomed to this behavior. It’s the people
outside his world who are still coming to terms with it.

The elevator: Uncomfortable.

Jake stands by the elevator, waiting for someone or something. Irrespective of his urgency to get out of
the building, he waits. Concealing his angst for the time that he is about to lose.

Someone presses the button. He sighs in relief. The elevator door opens. He gets in. Everyone’s like
everyone. Except the dog, who somehow takes a liking to Jake. Barking his arse off.

Jake jumps aside. He really didn’t need to, but he did. Guess it’s just a very human reflex that one can
never get rid of, even if one wanted to. The dog however is relentless. Disobeying his higher authority.
Till the elevator doors part, and then meet again. Jake steps out.

The road: Unimaginable

Bankers calculating the number of steps from point A to X, Y and Z pass by musicians pretending to
make a living out of art. Hotdog vendors devouring their own spoils as mercilessly as the butchers who

once helped in preparing the very same meal that’s now partly wrapped in butter-paper. Petite hookers
in their daytime clothes hailing cabs to daytime jobs. One’s a mother, one’s a lover, one’s furious while
another’s just being nonchalant about life and the troubles that come with it. Workers on the street dig
holes into the ground, not knowing what to find. Bicycles zip by human poles that walk by zombies in
the other direction. Traffic signals disco. Subways graze. Busses trail other mechanical apparatus, both
front and back. Jake is all but a part of the commotion.

He walks past an unshaved beggar with a sign that reads ‘Will kill Justin Bieber. Need money for gun.’
Jake stops in his tracks and retraces his steps, looks at his hand as if he’s counting change and picks
up the nothingness that seems to amuse the beggar in his hand, and places it in the bowl. It makes no
sound. But the beggar does. He screams ‘May you rot in hell’ and throws unheard of curses towards
Jake. Jake is attacked by an empty evian bottle which almost nicks him in the ear… almost.

A phone booth approaches. Jakes eyes light up in excitement. It’s been a while since he’d called home,
or anyone for that matter. He reaches the receiver and then pretends to place his hands over it and
put the imaginary receiver on his longing ears. First timers on the street see a deranged young man,
others just smile and turn away as Jake pretends to punch in numbers and have an intensely animated
conversation with someone who could either be his mother or the laundry maid who’s not shown up
to work in a long time. Either way, the call was short not sweet. He slams the imaginary phone to the
ground. Stomps his foot over the receiver with the intensity of a jilted lover on valentine’s day. And
looks around, hoping to go unnoticed, in vain.

Anger makes people do wondrous things. Eat chocolate bagels topped with ice-cream and chocolate
sauce, just after dessert. Pick up a cigarette after the first one’s extinguished, and then another. Break
a vase. Break a heart. Break a religion. Life’s like that for most of the times. And at times, it’s nothing
at all. Make a big deal out of a small one. Dance in the middle of meeting. Or as jake, in the middle of a
crowded street.

Call dropped and imaginary pieces of the phone booth behind him, jake stands beside the road.
Patiently waiting for the magical words to appear on the electronic pole that reads ‘walk’. A minute
passes by and then another. Everyone seems too anxious to wait. Jake looks around to find a familiar
face. He spots a couple of them, who look away quite instantly. It seems to be jake, but it’s actually the
mob in the distance that everyone’s looking at. The huddle seems nothing less than an assembly of well
trained rugby players before a crucial game.

The signal turns green. Walk.

But jake moves towards the mob. Anxious to know the what’s where’s how’s and million other trivial
questions that will only be asked and never acted upon. It’s an accident. And a fatal one at that.

The accident: Repercussive

Kate. Her fake id says twenty five, much like her face. Cheap beige pants, that have now turned partly
crimson. A black logo-less spaghetti top with a small cigarette ash shaped hole in it. And sunglasses that

lie in the sun on the hot pavement. Kate didn’t envision herself to be lying face first on it, when she
left home. But fate had plans for her that she clearly wasn’t ready for. Jake walks closer, careful not to
disturb the people around him and looks at kate’s motionless body.

He smiles.

He looks around. Searching eyes grate every visible surface of nearby buildings as the paramedics
declare the inevitable.

And then he sees her. Standing besides the dumpster. Also motionless. Stunned as she sees them take
her body to the ambulance that cries away in the distance. She’s wipes a tear that shimmers as it ceases
to exist. Jake is now besides her, waving his hand.

Jake: ‘Hi’

Kate is speechless. She’s not too sure if she should respond. She points towards the road which
transported her body, right before her eyes.

Kate silently questioned.

Did I just see what I think I saw? Or was I hallucinating like I was the day before yesterday? Was I not
crossing the road just a second ago? Did I not just leave the bagel shop across the street? And why are
you smiling you incompetent asshole?

She hails a cab.

Jake: ‘No! Wait! Don’t do that it’s….’

But before you know it, the cab’s right besides Kate. The cabbie’s an Indian. Cliché’s aren’t new even in
this day and age. He looks at her intently. It’s a little too lecherous than she’d needed at the moment.
He stoops a little to now look at her face. She’s disgusted but proceeds to open the door.

Her hand goes right in. Through the door. She’s frightened. He’s frightened. He steps on the accelerator,
and in a cartoony cloud of smoke, he disappears, leaving her with even more questions that are waiting
to be answered.

Jake: “Fool! You’re out to ruin everything. For yourself. For others like you. And more importantly, for
me. You think I chose to be this way? To walk by with the fear of someone accidently passing through
me. To stand by the road and not be able to save someone from an accident. To not be able to even
open the lid off a Pringles box. To know that there’s nothing in this world that I can ever touch, feel,
cherish. It may seem absurd to the world, but I know just one way of somehow being immortal in this
world. And if you’re wise enough, you’d do the same.”

Jake walks away. Kate follows. She figures he’s her best bet at learning the ways of life. Answering the
what’s why’s how’s of life. The immortal life.

The End: Contempt.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The feeling.

It's a deep breath just before you pull the interview chair.
It's holding your head before saying 'It's ok, i'll take care'.

It's a nervous smile before she grabs your hand.
It's power stance before the stage lights hit your trembling hand.

It's a watering eye at the optician’s place.
It's a pounding heart before the first kiss and embrace.

It's a racing heart after you've just accomplished the impossible.
It's a blank stare when your boss just blamed you for something unfathomable.

It's death after you've had one too many slices of that apple pie.
It's emptiness as you lie awake and alone in bed, fried.

It's contempt when the day is going to blend.
It's madness when you know she's on the next bend.
It's insanity when you're on a weekend.
It's blocked when you near the end.

Friday, August 26, 2011

.

It’s tough to write a blog. I’m not being all philosophical here. It just is.

At any given point in time, there’s more than one thing in my head. So to really pinpoint something worthwhile to talk about is hard.

And then there are out-of-body factors. The constant keys being forced into submitting words, by the copywriter sitting behind me. Random videos fuelling random thoughts that play on the art director’s head and screen right next to him. A servicing guy who’s always talking/arguing/theorizing/pretending to socialize with life, in some other corner. A business head’s muffled words coming in through his glass cabin. People playing tt to get the balls off their head. And the general distraction of a video I’ve been successfully been trying to load since a long time.

I’m on a full stop again.

Breaks don’t help when I’m writing my blog. I get distracted easily.

.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Let’s get down about leaving the toilet seat up.

Yes I said it. Women all over the universe are complaining about leaving the toilet seat down. But in fact (I think) that’s the stupidest thing to do.

1. Women think guys are lazy fucks. And yes they are. So if they are lazy enough to not bother keeping the seat up/down whenever they start/finish their business, they wouldn’t care less for what deposits they leave on the seat. And if you be sharing the house with only one male member, then it gets even worse. Coz he doesn’t care if it’s his own deposit he’s sitting on when he’s giving a ‘deposit’. He’ll just toilet paper it and move on. (multiple male members in the family will change that equation…mind you)

2. Have you ever pondered about how many germs lay inside the bowl? And that these germs can fly onto the seat when it’s flushed. Think about it. (Seat up…good. Seat down…not so good!)

3. You want the seat down. We want it up. So you take it down when you want to and we’ll take it up when we want to. Simple. And if you don’t want point number 1 (pun was truly unintentional) to happen, then just leave the rule to ‘KEEP SEAT UP’


Problem solved. What say?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Crick Beer Dot Com

It’s just after lunch in office. It’s the Ind-Pak match right now. And I couldn’t care less.

There’s beer in office and the match on the big screen. You can pretty much guess what I’m facing and what I’m not.

I actually don’t mind the match, just that I can see the world losing precious work hours over it. Not that I’m being all productive and shit with this open word doc and a beer in hand… but I’m thinking of all those others who are toggling between excel sheets and cricinfo.in or whichever site that is… (apparently, using ellipses drives home the point… or so I assume)

I’m glad they be putting the match on all 4 corners of this office. I’m catching up on all the useless crap we call ads. Yes I said it right. We believe we in a business to make some sense out of Brand Advertising. I don’t know if any of us actually succeed.

Call me a pessimist.

No! seriously… call me a pessimist. I won’t get pissed off. All I will do is gently sip my beer (Like so. Imagine me sipping my beer …right about …here)

My ears hurt…. Because everyone in the office holds a whistle to their lips. The kind that will want you to rather put a knife to your groin then hear it.

A balloon burst somewhere in office. Guess that has nothing to do with the blogpost… but it just happened…just saying!

Some people in office still managing to work. I applaud them. Some people just have to go back to the rut, irrespective of the beer. You guys ROCK!

I’m now sleepy. And I’d rather post this before I decide not to.

Cheers. Beer is waiting.

Friday, February 04, 2011

These

I’ve been afraid of this word doc. It’s blank and it’s staring me in the face. Like ‘Haha! You want to write something on your dam blog, but I won’t let you to!’ I’ve been seriously wanting to scrap, but I don’t know what to talk about.

Speaking of scrap, I recently deleted my orkut account. I was afraid I’ll accidentally delete something important. But then again, it’s Orkut yaar. What more did I lose, other than just a space on the web.

I remember the days of orkut. Random people checking out random photos. People wanting to make ‘friendship’ and people peeing on your wall (Happens even now on facebook… but not as shoddily and shamelessly as it used to happen on Orkut)

But it’s over and done with. I have committed Orkutish Suicide.

How bored does a man have to get to commit online suicide?

I deleted my orkut coz someone reminded me of something that was written on it. And it was actually spam. And I for one don’t want anyone to actually think I have written that shit. Next thing you know I got the FBI after my ass.

Female Body Inspector

I HATE CORNY T-Shirts. And I hate people who want to wear corny T-shirts like they didn’t see it before picking it themselves /accepting one from someone.

Fat obese guy: Think Big
Guy who looks like a Banana Vendor: I was made for you baby.
Guy who resembles a Sweeper: Am I hot or what?

Free ka maal hai that doesn’t mean you go about wearing it.

And it’s not just the guys. Have you seen that stupid thing some women in Mumbai wear which says ‘I have a face above these’

(I don’t care if you have a face. I don’t want to stare at your Tee thinking what a fool you are while you wonder …..Oh why is he looking at my ‘these’?)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Vacuum Cleaner Rests

Tucked away, beneath it all,
Are crumbs of bread, papad and dal.
Who put them there, I cannot tell.
Somebody’s going to burn in hell.

‘Have you been eating on my keyboard?
I asked my neighbour-in-disguise.’
“Why are you so mad?”, she despised.
“Can you not chill?” She criticized.

‘Can I beat you, and show you mad?
Why is it that you don’t feel sad?’
‘Look at what’s here … and with fear die
Look right there, bombil fry?’

‘Keep your lunch away form me.’
‘Give me freedom. To be free.’
“But then where do I go?
What do I see?
Where do I eat?
What’s in it for me?”

‘To hell with you. Your crumbs. Your life.
It’s my keyboard not our wife.
So eat at the table, you filthy pest.
Give my vacuum cleaner, much needed rest.’